HASSLE

We had to go to Letchworth Garden City to collect a steam press K bought off ebay.

He insisted it would be a help with the rather large amount of ironing we always have.

I don't mean to sound unappreciative as I know he is trying to help but I'm not convinced it is worth having one. I think it will be another thing that will just get in the way and it seemed rather a long way to go!

He had arranged for us to collect it at 12.30.

Renegade would not be gracing us with his presence - being a 16 year old boy he avoids family outings wherever possible. Rose was working and since moving out earlier this year tends not to spend an awful lot of time with us at weekends anyway so it was just the five of us who were to go on the trip to Letchworth.

K, Me, the Artist, Perfectionist and Smiler who incidently has chicken-pox. I discovered the spots Saturday morning.

So..........................................

9.30am.

All youngest children were washed,dressed and breakfasted. The girls were playing in the garden and Smiler was bumbling about on the floor while I tried to get organised for getting out of the door at 10 O'clock.

Check:-

Changing bag containing nappies,wipes,cream,teething-granules,his drink,bib,jar of Hipp,a fruit-pot,a spoon,spare shorts and t-shirt.

Another bag containing sun-cream,sun-hats,girls drinks,colouring books,story books and crayons.

My bag containing purse,sunglasses,mobile,c.d's,notebook and pen.

10am.

Me - "K, where's Artist - aren't we supposed to be going now?"

K - "Yeah - I said she could play out the front on her bike until we go"

I go to the front door and call her. No reply. I go up the steps and have a quick scan around. She's not there but hers and Perfectionists bikes are lying over the road. I go and collect them,bring them down the steps and go around to the back garden to find both Artist and Perfectionist with all 5 guinea-pigs out in the run. I ask them to put the pigs back in their hutch then come inside,wash their hands and change their shoes.

I go back inside to gather up packed bags, get Smiler and put his sandals on.

He's busy eating the tissue out of the shoe-box K discarded yesterday on returning from a shopping trip. I remove all the soggy tissue from his mouth then gather up all the remaining tissue which is scattered throughout the dining room and kitchen.

This done, I go into the lounge to grab a few toys to throw in the car for him and realise it looks as if a bombs hit it so I have a tidy up,throwing toys into toybox and books into bookcase at lightning speed then return to the kitchen to get Smiler.

He's emptied one of the kitchen cupboards. There is an assortment of cereal packets,herbs and spice jars,and bottles of beer all over the floor. I clear all this away, round up the kids and take them and packed bags out to the car.

Meanwhile K is on the computer looking for the address of where we are supposed to be at 12.30..... Totally oblivious of the chaos........................

10.38

Kids are in the car, seated and belted.

No sign of K yet.

I give Perfectionist her colouring book and crayons.

Artist -"That's mine Mummy, why are you giving it to Perfectionist? it's mine!"

"No it's not, yours is dot-to-dot, this is just colouring"

"Can I have my dot-to-dot please?"

I go back to the house to search for requested book,turfing out all the books from previously tidied bookcase. I also grab Artists school reading book, remembering she has not yet read it to me and tomorrow is Monday. I also grab a cereal bar on my way out as I hadn't had time for breakfast.

Back in the car..............we were all in and ready.

Artist in the back and Perfectionist in the middle with Smiler. We can't put the girls together in the car without them arguing non-stop so these are the required seating arrangements for long journeys!

We drive away from our house. The time is now 11am.

Lynyrd Skynyrd is blaring out of the c.d player.

"Do we have to listen to this?" I say to K.

"Change it if you want but don't put Regina bloody Spektor on, she gets on my nerves" K replies.

I put on the new MSP. album. It reminds me of one of their early albums K and I used to listen to years ago.........I sit back to relax,enjoy and reminisce.

My peace is soon shattered...."I haven't got my sunglasses!" cries Perfectionist. They are new and she loves them. It's the end of the world.

The next ten minutes is spent convincing her that she won't need them.

Fínally we have calm.

Artist is happily gazing at the scenery, Perfectionist is asleep and Smiler is happily babbling .

I sit back and listen to Pearl Jam, enjoying listening to Eddie Vedders poetic angst, fantasise that he is singing about me being the sun in his sky and zone out for a while.

12 noon and already we have to stop.

K is fine riding a motorbike but get him behind the wheel and it's not long before the boredom of driving starts to have a soporific affect for him.

I've left my prescription glasses at home so I can't take over the driving.

We pull in at the first services.

K disappears,returning five minutes later with sustenance for all. Two big Coffee-Nations for us and fruit pastilles for the girls.

I allow sweets occasionally and long car journeys qualify as one of these occasions.

Half an hour later I am regretting it......The effects of the sweets have kicked in.

The words poo,bum,willy and bogey become the main content of their vocabulary.
It's preferable to them arguing and they are happy so I turn a deaf ear and flirt outrageously with a biker riding in the inside lane to my left.

I instinctively look at bikes when I see them but even more reason to look at this one. It was straddled by a very attractive rider!!

He soon caught on and we stuck either in front,behind or alongside him for a while. K was quite happy to play the game,informing me that he does the same if he ever happens to "clock a tidy bird in a car, giving me the eye!"

Hmmm...mental note to try and get out on the bike with him more often.

12.35pm

I need a wee.

We are on the M1 Northampton. No signs for services. Oh dear...my ability to hold on is not as good as it used to be.....unsurprisingly having had five kids!

I try to ignore it, glad we are on a smooth motorway rather than a bumpy A-road full of pot-holes.

Shouldn't have had that huge Coffee-Nation....serves me right!

I wonder,briefly, whether I could actually wee in the potty (which we keep in the car for Perfectionist,just incase) as we are going along but realise that would not only be extremely dangerous,a bit embarassing,against the law and potentially messy but also that Artist would definately tell all her class mates and Teacher all about it so I quickly put the idea out of my mind,cross my legs and concentrate on playing my game of making up three-word phrases using the letters from car reg.plates. Yeah, sad I know but simple things......................

WPA...wet pants ahead....oh dear.....

ULO....unavoidable leakage occuring...............Decide not to play that anymore and sit back to enjoy the fact that all kids are snoozing soundly and sing along to The James Gang belting out Funk#49.

Both K and I are singing along, thinking we're pretty cool..............luckily Renegade isn't there to put us right!!!

1.05pm.

We are lost on an A-road.

K tries to find another point in the car to plug the sat-nav into,hoping that it is just the front plug-in point that is faulty and not the actual machine.

He finds one next to Artists seat. It has a fruit-pastille stuffed into it.

We fish it out with one of my earings. Underneath the sweet is a penny.

K eventually manages to get it out using the earing and two crayons!

He plugs in the sat-nav. It doesn't work.

Half an hour later after trying all other plug-in-points and swearing alot K gives up. Eventually ,I convince him it would be a good idea to ring the seller and ask for directions.

What is it about men that prevents them from admitting to other men that they are lost?......................................................

2.10pm.

We finally arrive at our destination. One hour and forty minutes and a lot of wrong turnings late.

So far the kids have all been complete stars. Perfectionist is fast asleep, Artist is happily chatting about what she sees out of the window and Smiler is still babbling contentedly.

K returns to the car after a five minutes with the steam-press. I bite my tongue, preventing myself from saying how I never really wanted the damn thing in the first place and off we go to find the motorway heading home.

First stop - Services.

The original plan was to find a nice country pub to stop for lunch but it was getting too late for that now so the services would have to do.....the kids were all hungry and my need for the loo had returned with a vengeance!

4.30pm.

We leave the services having eaten some predictably tasteless and outrageously priced food and visiting the loos.We head home at last.

The girls are happy...fed,watered and rewarded for their good behaviour with comics. Smiler is his usual contented smiley self and K seems happy despite using a large amount of diesel on our unexpected mystery tour of the countryside. I am also happy having at last had a wee.

The rest of the journey passed without incident,listening to James Blunt.......Yes I know it is fasionable to hate J.B. but K and I went to see him at Blenheim Palace last year and he was brilliant!

There was a brief bout of crying from Smiler due to teething pain and we did stop for half an hour or so for me to feed him and for the girls to stretch their legs but that was it until we finally arrive home at 7.30pm.

A small supper eaten, bathed and hair washed, all kids were tucked up in bed by 8.30.

What a very long day.

All for a bloody steam-press I didn't really want!

It had better be worth the hassle. Somehow I doubt it will be!!!

By the way, I'm going to ban K from going on ebay.

He sold a friends framed picture of football cards for him.

He sold it for 99p, adding £4.75 for postage.

He then realised the buyer lived in Northern Ireland so it cost £7.50 to send it!!!!